Posts tagged: drunk
I’m going to try to convey my ribs recipe to you in the best possible way using mostly human english words and measurements as best as i can. ya see i’m ALWAYS drunk when i cook so sometimes it’s a little hazy. here we go
Something something America.
Drugstore Challenge #2 Raining Sharpie, watercolor
First from the drugstore challenge comes dentist office style rainbow batman. Watercolor, marker, sharpie.
It’s time to take the drug store cheap art challenge!
Only 3 easy steps, here is what you do:
1. Go to your local drug store (Walgreens, cvs, rite aid whatever) and go to the art supplies aisle.
2. Purchase cheap art supplies, try to keep it under 20 bucks otherwise you defeat the purpose of the challenge. (side note: beer counts as art supplies).
3. Do art! For around 18 bucks I managed to get 5 pack of mech pencils, a 10 pack of fine tip crayola markers, 8 crayola watercolors with brush, a fine tip sharpie, a 4 pack of natural light tall boys and a pack of black and milds. I already have paper so bonus points for me. You also get bonus points if the Doobie Brothers are playing on the overhead at the store. I’ll be posting my creations.
Holy shit I eat a lot of chili. But this time no canned shtuff, I’m makin it FRASH! If you guys want to eat delicious gourmet chili like me I’ll be a cool guy and share my recipe. Feel free to alter it as you like. WARNING: VEGETARIANS AND PUSSIES STOP READING NOW.
What you need:
2 large yellow onions
3 pounds of preferred meat (beef, chuck, steak, pork, dog, lamb, chicken, NO TURKEY SHUT UP TURKEY IS NOT MEAT)
1 whole garlic bulb (approximately 8-10 cloves, yea I love garlic so what)
1 large 28 ounce can of crushed tomoatoes
4 cans of your favorite beans (I like 2 pinto 1 kidney 1 black)
2 small cans of green chilis or one small fresh green chili
a splash of liquid smoke
a splash of Frank’s red hot
2 16 ounce cans/bottles of beer (one for you, one for the chili)
extra virgin olive oil
forgive me but I don’t ever measure spices
cumin, paprika, hot chili powder, white pepper, cayenne pepper, salt and black pepper
You’ll also need a big ass stock pot with a lid.
Start by dicing the onions and jalapenos and mincing the garlic. I guess you could just buy pre-minced garlic too but that’s cheating and nobody likes a cheater. Heat on medium a generous amount of olive oil in the stock pot and when its nice and ready toss in the veggies and garlic and green chilis. Add some cumin and salt and black pepper until the onions are soft and your whole house smells like onion/garlic Auschwitz (ZING). When it’s nice and steamy and aromatic add your meat and cook thoroughly. Once the meat is cooked through add the canned tomatoes and beans and give it a whirl. Keep the heat medium and pour in one can of beer and chug the other one. I usually just use a cheap pilsner or lager but you can get fancy if you want. Finally add your liquid smoke and Frank’s red hot and spices according to your own preferences. I’m usually drunk by now so I add too much Red Hot but that’s ok. Set the heat to low and cover, stirring every once in a while. It should get nice and thick in a couple hours. I serve with sour cream and shredded cheese because I’m awesome. Enjoy yall, don’t burn your house down.
Time for another exciting edition of CANNED FOOD REVIEW!
This time we have this abomination from the fine cooks at Chef Boyardee. I present Cheesy Burger Macaroni with a GOOD SOURCE OF PROTEIN (read: meats)
It’s back to that horrible time of the month when I am forced to bottom feed until the next paycheck arrives. The only great thing about it is it makes shopping quick and easy because all the most awful canned food-style items are in the same aisle in the grocery, therefore saving foot and leg-walking energy that I’ll inevitably need for digestion. So onto the canned mac and burger fucking cheese horror-thon.
Right off the bat I’m insulted with heating instructions. I’m surprised Chef Boyardee doesn’t just put a little diagram on the label with a picture of a can and the plus sign, followed by a sad faced cartoon kid and then the equals sign with a toilet. That might actually be less insulting than “heat covered for 1 minute 30 seconds DO NOT MICROWAVE THIS CAN YOU STUPID FUCK”. Anyway, after I managed to heat up the slop without burning my house down/killing nearby wildlife, I gave it a taste. I remember eating Chef Boyardee products as a kid with blissful ignorance, and I always used to pretend I was a world famous chef, adding a dash of salt, a pinch of pepper and a sprinkle of oregano for good measure. You can’t just eat ravioli shaped food bits in ketchup straight out of the can! You gotta add some love. So the first thing I notice about this stuff is that THERE IS NO LOVE. And by love I mean good old fashioned sodium. It tastes so…safe. I once over salted Kraft mac and cheese by boiling the noodles in salty water then using salted butter (FUCK margarine seriously)and adding even more salt pre-tasting. Guess what? I still ate that shit because SALT IS FOOD TITS. It makes everything awesome no matter what. So I needed to pour on the salt for this stuff.
Would I eat this again? FUCK and NO. It was awful but when I ate it I did that Anthony Bourdain thing where you taste the food and go, ehhh….hmmmmm….interesting, so at least I looked cool to no one.